Self Doubt pt. 2

Always doubt. Am I doing this right?

It’s always there. The creeping suspicion that everything I’m doing is missing the point, or otherwise misdirected. After all, I have been corrected and put in my place before, what if I was overdue to be admonished?

It’s a lot like being the character in a mystery or horror movie. The audience, unseen to the character, is sitting there, maybe knowing what’s around the corner. They get wrapped up in things, saying, “Ack! Don’t open that door!” or “Almost there, keep going! Don’t go back for the hat!”

I see it as the heavenly host, watching the unfolding drama of humanity. They may have a higher perspective on things – something that we, as the main characters don’t see. Sure, it’s nice to be the audience, sitting at home, safely noticing things. But we’re IN the movie. We’re the ones that experience reality, it’s rough and smooth spots. They admire us like we admire Tom Cruise in “The Last Samurai” and secretly want to be him. Well, we’re there. And insert whatever movie you want, it was a bit gender specific.

So for all the aloneness that sometimes accompanies life on Earth, there’s more out there than we think. Whether it’s angels or ancestors, there are higher powers with vested interests in our struggles.

Would I have recognized Jesus, were he here today?

That’s tricky, but stay with me.

There’s a lot of talk about “if I was living back then” or “if only I was born in such-and-such” time. Most of it is just spouts of romantic fancy, and all of it is ill-advised. We’re obsessed with becoming who we aren’t

My values, quirks, style of humor, methods of thinking would not have gone over very well in the 1600s…all were tailor made for me to live from 1980 on to my appointed time. There is no other period of time where I would have fit in. We are all exactly where we were meant to be, be it chronologically and socioeconomically (rich and poor).

The Bible talks that both the poor and the rich should take pride in their position, and that God made them both rich and poor.

While we all pine for wealth, it ain’t that great. Take a look at studies of lottery winners, their lives fall apart. The influx of money brings out the worst in people.

I have some fairly wealthy acquaintances and the biggest thing they always talk about is how fake everyone is when you’re rich. You can’t trust anyone. You don’t have any true friends outside of people who want you to fund their little projects. They’re so alone. Sure we say “I’d give it a shot!” and joke, but honestly…

While the rich do have advantages, so do the poor. No one is apt to learning more about meekness and humility (core characteristics of every major religion) than the poor.

Without the noise in life, the truly poor have a window at becoming truly happy, at drawing nearest to God himself. To have nothing leads us closer to having everything.

But enough about all that, we are where we were meant to be. We have it in us to click in to our circumstances here and now, because no one else can be us. We must be ourselves.

And it is when you overcome the strong envy of others’ traits, gifts, or things when you begin to experience genuine reality.

And it is genuine reality that Jesus offered. In him wasn’t death, but life. He offers the most real and the most passionate, truthful existence there is – something only available to people who aren’t busy doing their own social or religious thing, but people who are able to listen with their hearts and hear the message.

Because the message strikes a chord in us, no matter what our backgrounds are. It’s a chord of compassion, of patience, of understanding, of the need to be a blessing to others, of the realization of truth.

We give because it’s better than receiving. We offer money to help enable programs and groups to bless others. We devote our daily lives to acting in small acts of grace and silence, hearing the woes of the world and weathering the battering storm of despair with a better, kinder answer than rants and raves.

To anger, we are to give love. To hatred, we are to give love. It’s not some hippy, orgy thing, but the all-encompassing force of betterment. Love your neighbor, your enemy, take the blows because you’re stronger than those who would harm you. What weapon can possibly do harm to the soul of someone who is in the grace of the Almighty?

I would see the now Jesus because I vibe with what he’s about. What excites me excites Jesus. I’m not talking about caffeine or some new movie or video game “excited,” but the deep down, yeah that matters, sign me up sort of “excited.”

Forgetting all the dogma and the baggage, the expectations or the liturgy, that’s the kind of excited that saves people.


About salemonz

Born in San Diego, Calif. Raised as a Navy Brat, I jumped ship and crossed over to the Army. Served as an enlisted journalist for a bunch of years, then helped the DoD figure out what the hell to do with social media. After the Army, now I drift down the river of life, trying not to be a jerk.

6 responses to “Self Doubt pt. 2”

  1. spencer says :

    I love your blog, man, but this time I really disagree with your philosophical premises. The belief that god appointed the rich to be rich and the poor to be poor sounds a little too repressive for my taste. Plus, you may think you were born at just the right time for you, but can you really universalize that for everyone?

  2. Lopermania says :

    Agree and Disagree – Very Cool though. You were a paragraph in my life – “Dude that has the same phone”, but you have become “Dude who’s blog I love to read”! Keep it up; and stay grounded. Don’t worry Finch and I are drinking enough beer for the 3 of us! 🙂

  3. salmons says :

    spencer: If you spend your life wishing you were somewhere else, will you ever arrive?

    Lopermania: Rock 😉 Glad the brewskies are flowing back in the regular world.

  4. spencer says :

    By wishing, no. By actively struggling to do better… maybe.

  5. finch says :

    Josh – regular world my ass – me and loper are in freggin South Korea bro…ha! – that being said – i’m still going to extend here until i get out rather than take a chance at going out there to the desert again…stay safe dude…ROCK!

  6. JHearne says :

    I like it, Josh. Good reading. I’ll read it again and think about some more, later.

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