Well, yeah I’m an idiot

I am a delicate and dumb soldier.

I require sensing sessions, to gauge my feelings about food and quarters.

I require classes every three months as to why I shouldn’t be a racist, to tell me rape is wrong, and that I shouldn’t torture detainees.

I have to sign letters that are passed around saying I will not have sex while deployed.

If I suffer hearing loss in a war-time environment, it is my fault since I wasn’t wearing my ear plugs.

I have to wear eye protection while I’m eating in certain dining facilities because years ago a mortar hit a few hundred yards from that chow hall.

I must carry around two cards in my wallet listing my general’s “combat priorities,” that say such things as “Command & Control” “Know PIR & FFIR” “100% Services” and “Conduct Aggressive Patrols”.  Yet no one knows what any of that means.

I must have a “buddy” when I eat, walk or use the latrines.

I must carry a rape whistle in case I’m attacked.

I must sign a policy letter saying I will not use profanity because it is offensive.

When faced with a split-second combat situation, I must ask myself if I have escalated through the five S’s, thought through the four C’s, determined the proportional use of force, considered if deadly force is in fact authorized, switch to arming status amber, switch to arming stance red, flip off my safety and fire.  Otherwise, I will go to jail.

I must show my ID card when entering any building, dining facility, gym, or MWR center to ensure that I’m not a uniformed, weapon-carrying, clean-cut, Caucasian, English-speaking, American-accented, Iraqi insurgent.

###

About salemonz

Born in San Diego, Calif. Raised as a Navy Brat, I jumped ship and crossed over to the Army. Served as an enlisted journalist for a bunch of years, then helped the DoD figure out what the hell to do with social media. After the Army, now I drift down the river of life, trying not to be a jerk.

9 responses to “Well, yeah I’m an idiot”

  1. finch says :

    here’s hoping you never have to blow that whistle josh!

  2. Beth* A. says :

    “Yet no one knows what any of that means.” – Now THAT’s funny! 🙂
    You guys have more safeguards against stupid activities (and a couple of life-saving ones) than a ladder has warning stickers.(That’s alot, btw).

  3. brogonzo says :

    Don’t forget – we print “POINT THIS END AT ENEMY” on the bazookas, too.

  4. salmons says :

    Finch: That’s the big joke amongst the guys, “If I don’t want to blow the whistle.”

    Beth: Ya, crazy right? They send us to Iraq to evade bullets and bombs, but I can’t walk across the street without a road-guard reflective vest?

  5. ZNB says :

    Do the enemies get bullseyes on their uniforms, so you guys know where to shoot?

  6. Seth says :

    I really like the new site Josh. The Readage’ + ‘Tunage’ are nice additions. (Nice to see Jamie Lidell up there too – lovin’ the new funk sound.)

    That expression you’re wearing in the photo sets the mood perfectly.
    + impressive writing as usual.

    (Do you still have regular access to your army email?)

  7. BourbonBird says :

    Holy hell, I thought you were joking! Do rape whistles even work? Like Finch said, I hope you never have cause to use it.

  8. BourbonBird says :

    PS. You look very pissed off about something in your picture. Maybe your buddy for the day was being a dickhole?

  9. salmons says :

    That’s “Hardcore Josh”. Scary huh?

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