A planned revolt

A bombed out building in Taji.

A bombed out building in Taji.

Everyone has worked for an unreasonable boss. Warzones are no exception.

While civilians can quit jobs that get too arduous, military-types just have to weather the storm.

So, since those deployed can’t mutiny and steer their ship toward familiar shores, the three E7s and I of our section have decided to invent a way to up the freak-out factor.

I recommend this course of action for anyone who feels the need to send a friendly “back off, jerk” message to their bosses. It is a four-part play, and requires ammunition, so I suppose the whole endeavor will be relegated to military audiences. Anyway…

The Communist: Have one person start reading “The Communist Manifesto” in their off time. After a few days, have the person nail a piece of paper to the door of the section, stating the six-or-whatever steps a group should take to establish a Communist state.

The Psycho: One person should start cleaning their weapon constantly, staring at nothing but the parts for 15-20 minutes at a time. They should cease talking, and when the boss starts on his kick, begin to unload and reload M16 magazines. Be sure to emphasize the “click” of each round as it is put in.

The Militant Muslim: My favorite. One soldier should announce a conversion to Islam. Be sure to leave the office for prayer and have your mat displayed prominently in your work space. In conversation, say “infidel” instead of “soldier.” Make nice with the locals, and score one of those small radios they carry around so you can tune in to the religious sermons through the day. Start to speak with an accent.

The Counter: Have someone put up a sign listing how many days are left. Make a big ceremony every day as you take down the old number and put up the new one. Put in statements every hour or so like, “Wow, the time really is going.” Comment constantly how upcoming events are only “(X) days away from Christmas,” or whatever random holiday you choose. Use crazy, extrapolated formulas when counting till the next milestone.

Such as: “You know, if you figure the two-weeks before and two-weeks after Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving will be wasted since we’ll be distracted. And if you figure it could take two weeks of travel time in addition to our mid-tour leave. And if you don’t count days with “Ts” in them — or the days when you get some dessert. Then — hell, we only have three days until we go home. Wow, this year flew by”

Enjoy.

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About salemonz

Born in San Diego, Calif. Raised as a Navy Brat, I jumped ship and crossed over to the Army. Served as an enlisted journalist for a bunch of years, then helped the DoD figure out what the hell to do with social media. After the Army, now I drift down the river of life, trying not to be a jerk.

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